Seeing Life Through a Filter

Instagram “Beauties” and the Dangers of Comparison.

Photo by Karsten Winegeart on Unsplash

Social media is nearly inescapable these days and our eyes are flooded with the good and the bad alike of the online world of people, pleasure, and pain. The lasting effects of such platforms are proving to be exhaustive amounts of data for scholars of many fields. Clichéd conversations of the illusions that social media perpetuates are heard everywhere but the depths of discussions are foregone, often because they are difficult, not black and white, and challenge the status quo of comfortability.

I want to start with talking about Instagram “beauties” and the dangers of comparison.

For a long time I bought into the lie that my discomfort with unrealistic, scantily clad instagram models was a fault of my own connected to a rough past of body dysmorphia and eating disorders. I naively believed those who said that more intellectually and mature women are not bothered by these images.

After much reflection I realized that my own insecurities were not what bothered me about these accounts. After healing from my eating disorders, the last thing I want is to change my body to meet societal standards of beauty. I love looking at the diversity of beauty around me, people, nature, and art… but fake definitions or portrayals of beauty don’t fall into that category nor do they help me appreciate my own. It is easy enough to admit that these images are not the portrayal of reality, yet they affect the reality of so many each day.

Before I go any farther I think it is important to point out that this is by no means a condemnation or judgment of the people who contribute to this social media world. They have seen a money making opportunity and have jumped on it! Nor is this some attempt to advocate for “modesty” whatever that may be. The human body is a beautiful thing that should be appreciated and respected. The point is to engage in a conversation in the way this medium taints expectations, self-esteem, and even relationships.

As an educator, many of my thoughts revolve around “How does this affect my students?” How is this shaping the next generation?” A lot of times answering these questions requires my own self-reflection and painful honesty.

I and many others have been told that being uncomfortable with their partner following certain types of social media content is just a sign of jealousy and insecurity and it is not a big deal because it’s just pictures. I started to try to convince myself that this was true but I couldn’t for a variety of reasons.

1. The objectification of people is always a big deal and never ok!
2. The objectification of oneself sends the wrong message

This point needs further clarification. I started to think of what I would say to my 13 year old niece if she posted a picture similar to what she sees on social media. I would start with stating that there is nothing wrong with appreciating her body and being proud of the way she looks and that I hope she can carry that appreciation throughout her life! But then I would ask a series of questions. Why did you post this? Who was the audience? What is the goal?

I feel like most people would agree that a 13 year old posting borderline explicit content is wrong… but where did she learn it? How did she know what to compare herself to? Even with close internet monitoring, her young brain is still inundated with these images, from peers and famous individuals alike, that breed thoughts of comparison and a desire to be seen a certain way.

A young person is still developing the cognitive ability to distinguish between fiction and reality and is not always able to decipher what on social media is fake. Consequently, they establish certain expectations for themselves based on these images. Expectations that can lead to a variety of harmful behaviors.

1. It is not ok to dismiss someone’s opinion as purely an insecurity

• This point is more in the context of couples and the damages these micro comparisons may have in relationships.
• As adults, each couple must decide on boundaries amongst themselves. For some watching porn, following soft porn, etc. is ok and accepted in the relationship, for others it is not. There is no one size fits all solution for couples. These boundaries need to be discussed between both parties but dismissing one partner’s opinion because it doesn’t fit with a desire to continue in a certain activity is not ok. Most likely, this partner is bringing up the situation out of a desire for communication and RESPECT, not because they feel threatened by the pixels on the screen.
• Even if insecurity is an impetus for one’s opinions, it probably comes from a build up of micro-comparisons and should NOT be a point of shame. Listen, respect, and seek to grow away from the toxicity of comparison as a couple.

This discussion is obviously not as clear cut as that. There are many more points to be made and ultimately more conversation needs to be had. But what I hope you come away with is the ability to think about the way visual stimuli affects the mental and physical reality of others before prescribing a “solution” for the situation without fully knowing the situation. And even more importantly we as a generation need to be aware and vigilant about what the next generation is seeing, learning, and processing! I am thankful that body positivity movements are beginning to develop more holistic approaches to beauty and appreciation and I hope this movement continues to be refined and edified as it grows.